Breakups are tough, especially if you’ve been dumped. But one thing you may not realize is that your ex boyfriend or girlfriend is going through almost exactly the same kinds of feelings that you are today. Emotional ties don’t dissolve overnight, and feelings take time to fade. By using this to your advantage, you can get your ex to want you to come back even when circumstances seem almost hopeless.

There are four main phases a person goes through when a relationship ends. You already know how you feel so it’s time to examine how does your ex feel in order to determine your best approach to retrieve them.

Stage 1 – Detachment

Remember when your ex sat you down to break up with you? Although this may have come as a shock to you, your ex spent a lot of time making this decision days or even weeks before. He or she knew what was coming and, unlike you, they were already prepared for it. In short, your ex boyfriend or girlfriend started breaking up with you long before you had a chance to do the same.

This gave your ex an emotional edge while dealing with you during the breakup. Your ex knew what you would say, how you would react, and what kind of protest you could offer to keep them close. Your boyfriend or girlfriend was prepared to counter your every move or plea, and they had an escape route planned. They had shed long before you, and this immediately put you in a position of weakness.

So what can you do during the detachment stage that will help your ex win back? Essentially, you also need to distance yourself emotionally. The faster you can accept the breakup rather than fight it, the faster you agree to your ex’s decision to end things, the easier it will be to move to the next stage of reconciliation. Many people get stuck here because they refuse to part and think that by holding on to the relationship as tightly as possible they can prevent their boyfriend or girlfriend from breaking up with them. Not so.

Stage 2 – Avoidance

Is your ex boyfriend or girlfriend ignoring you? Don’t take this as a sign of disinterest. It’s very common for an ex to go out of their way to avoid seeing or hearing you, especially if he or she initiated the breakup. Your ex is likely feeling awkward or uncomfortable with you right now and doesn’t know how to handle any kind of contact.

The avoidance stage is definitely not the time to move on. You can’t force your ex to see you and you can’t blame him for wanting to talk to you again. No matter how much you want to see your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend right now, you need a meeting like that to happen. on your own terms. Setting up such a meeting before your ex is ready to see you will only lead to further avoidance and resentment.

Stage 3 – Longing

After being apart for a while, your ex will start thinking about you again. This is a natural reaction to being away from someone with whom you shared such an intimate connection, and both you and your ex will feel a certain desire to be together again, even temporarily.

Making your ex want you back is about making him miss you. You need your ex to think about your past relationship, and ideally this should happen of their own free will. As time goes on, your ex will tend to remember the good times they shared and the great things they did as a couple. These are the memories that will bring your relationship back together and ultimately make your ex see a future with you again.

The worst thing you can do during this stage of the breakup is try to “be there” for your ex. Staying and being friendly with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend will only reduce their desire to see you. It is always best to stay away from your ex’s current situation as this will create a void in your life where you used to be. If you are always in sight, your ex will never have a chance to miss you.

Stage 4 – Repentance

If you don’t control it, your ex boyfriend or girlfriend will eventually reach a point where they regret being without you. These can be temporary feelings, brought on by a lonely night or a moment of weakness … or they can be much more substantial. There are certain signs and signals issued when your ex is reconsidering a relationship with you again, and to have the best chance of reconciliation you need to know what they are.

Regret may be fleeting, but it is something you can help build on. By giving your ex a reason to want to be with you again, you can improve their need and desire to see you. There are certain adjustments you can make to get your ex boyfriend or girlfriend interested in you again, even if they seem to have already left. Learning these adjustments can mean the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever.