It’s probably happened to you or your friends: Even though the man you’re currently dating is seeing another woman, you harbor thoughts and make moves to win him back. He seemed like a good man when they were still seeing each other, and getting him back from that other woman should be worth all the effort.

It seems like a natural reaction: after all, you felt a very strong connection to him when he was still dating you. That means you’re just going through a cooling off period and he’s still very interested in pursuing a deep relationship with you in the future, right?

Mistaken. Not many women know this, but a strong connection with a man doesn’t necessarily mean he’s open to a deeper relationship. So how can you tell if he is or not?

Men send signals to the women they date that they are waiting for them to pick them up and read them. Some of these signals are not intended, but are sent anyway; if read correctly, they can give you clues about the guy’s mood, how he sees you, and his relative emotional availability. Other signals are more direct and you don’t need a CSI to get the image.

Dating another woman is a direct sign. It’s written all over her face. He’s telling you that he doesn’t feel the same way you do about getting into a deep relationship, or at least he’s not in a position to. His going out with another woman is clearly telling you, “I’m fine.”

So how do you solve this problem? Simple: get it off your radar. Take your attention away from him and focus on what makes you happy. Because? Because if you associate your despair with him, then you’d be putting your hope and survival in his hands, which isn’t exactly the most brilliant thing to do with a twice. Instead, focus on yourself. If you believe that the problem is within you, only then can you say that the solution is also within you.

From here, the guy will notice a void in his comfortable little setup, a void that you used to fill. He will then be forced to find another woman to fill that space or come back to talk to you more seriously.

Whatever you do will be a step towards the resolution you are looking for.