Many wives who are dealing with the aftermath of an affair will tell you that this process has affected their self-esteem or self-worth. This may not make sense unless you’ve been cheated on, but being cheated on by your spouse can make you feel like you’re less than others and that you weren’t very smart or observant for this to happen to you. So you can get mad at yourself on many levels for allowing this to happen. I know this may sound crazy, but it’s true. Many wives share their frustrations about this with their husbands and are surprised when he says that his self-esteem and self-respect have also taken a hit. This upsets many wives because they think that not only is he not validating their feelings, but now he is trying to play the victim to take their breath away.

She might say, “One of the biggest struggles I’m having after my husband’s affair is my self-esteem. I’ve always considered myself a strong person. I don’t let people walk all over me and speak up. I get up when I feel that they don’t listen to me or that they take advantage of me. I like to think that I am personally and professionally competent. However, now that I am considering trying to work on my marriage after my husband cheated on me, frankly, I think less of myself. I see myself as a docile housewife with no respect for herself.Okay, I could support myself and one of the biggest reasons I’m still here is because of my kids, but still.I shared this with my husband and I expected him to tell me that this was nonsense because I was strong and that I certainly wasn’t letting him go so easily, but you know what his response was, which he understands because he feels less selfish respect too. What? How does this make sense? I’m the one who stays when I’m the wronged party. I was the one who was betrayed. So why do you suffer from low self esteem?

Why cheating men can have self-esteem problems: I can pass on what many men have told me and what I have read. I am in no way defending her husband. But men can take a hit with their self-esteem and self-respect because they are embarrassed and ashamed of their choices. They betrayed their family. They put at risk what they valued most. And they can feel very helpless when they go to fix it. They can’t take away your pain. They can’t make you believe they’re sorry and won’t cheat on you again. They can’t take this back. They can only feebly try to make a bad situation better, knowing all the while that the people they love are suffering from their own actions. They may wonder how they could have been so stupid.

So yeah, what your husband says isn’t all that weird. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t validate your concerns, too. He may not be consciously trying to draw attention to himself or deflect from his own concerns, but I can see why he would think that and he would feel angry. Ironically, often the person who cheated and the person who was cheated on feel exactly the same way when faced with the consequences: frustrated, angry, powerless, scared, and incompetent. Of course, they feel this way for different reasons. And the person who didn’t cheat really doesn’t deserve to feel that way because you really are the hurt (but innocent) party.

Ideas that may offer some relief: If it helps you, I’ll tell you some things that helped my self-esteem. She was angry with herself because she didn’t suspect the matter, but in truth, it was when my husband was in another area for work. So I consciously decided that unless she was just a paranoid wife who was too suspicious of her husband, why would she have seen it coming? I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt, like trusting spouses are supposed to. It was unfair of me to blame myself for that. Another place where I hit myself was that I was worried that I wasn’t attractive anymore. I worried that I had lost my appearance and that my husband would never genuinely love or desire me. But then I realized that he looked the same as the week before the adventure. And at the time, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with my appearance, but I also didn’t think I was horrible. I addressed issues that were bothering me (like my teeth), but I didn’t go crazy with unrealistic changes. I’m mom. I’m of a certain age. I decided to take care of myself and be healthy, but beyond that, I am not going to chase unrealistic ideals. As for the decision to stay, yes, my children influenced me. But I stayed because I love my husband, my marriage, and my family. This does not make me weak, uneducated or a pushover. It means that I am someone who prioritized my family over being angry. It means I’m more of a problem solver than a runaway. My decisions weren’t right for everyone, but I made them and I wasn’t going to feel “less than” because of them. I’m still a strong and capable person and I’m sure you are too.

If you don’t like your husband deviating from his own self-esteem, you might try something like, “Well, I guess we can empathize with how the other person is feeling. I’m going to do a lot for me.” self-work to regain my self-esteem and I hope you’ll support me in that, since you know how I feel”.