I recently heard from a wife who was very interested in seeing what the future might hold for her. After she and her husband had been having an affair for several months, her husband told her that he felt they should “separate for a while” and see how things turn out after that. The wife wasn’t sure exactly what she meant by that, but it was pretty clear that she intended to move in with friends for a while.

Needless to say, the wife’s main concerns were whether her marriage would end and whether her husband would return. However, whenever she asked him about this, he would only give her vague answers like “we’ll see what happens”. This was breaking the wife’s heart. She hated being left open like this. It drove her crazy not knowing if she was going to get married in a year. And she was putting all of her care and concern into whether he would come back. And while I’ve done this too and find it natural and completely normal, looking back now I know it wasn’t the best call. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

When a man says that they should go their separate ways right now, this can mean all sorts of things: The wife’s biggest fear was that the husband would eventually file for divorce. She worried that “parting ways” would eventually come to mean a separation that would eventually come to mean a divorce. But, the thing was, she had no way of knowing if this was going to be true. She couldn’t see the future and her husband wasn’t being forthcoming with these details.

So as difficult as it is, she really just had to allow this to play out. But the good news about this strategy is that her actions would certainly contribute to how it all ended. So, believe it or not, she had a little more control than she feared.

And frankly, some men use the “part ways” terminology when they’re just looking for a break to sort out their feelings. Sometimes they are looking for an answer from you to assess where your marriage really stands. And sometimes even they don’t know how things are going to turn out.

So with all these unknowns, the wife’s path may be to just take things as they come while setting the stage so that when the husband assesses where he wants to go from here, he realizes that his life is probably better off with his wife. than without her. But for this to happen, the wife would have to change some perceptions that stood in her way.

Focusing on changing the situation so that he wants to come back instead of hyperfocusing on whether he will come back: Aside from the shock and pain this wife felt, her main concern (by far) was whether her husband would return. This concern was practically the center of all her thoughts and actions. To that end, she was constantly trying to take inventory of where her husband was, what she was doing, and what she was thinking.

Even she admitted that these actions were just upsetting her husband and really getting her nowhere, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. Many of us do this, myself included. But what we don’t understand at the time is that we are creating an “either/or” situation. What I mean by that is that since your only concern is him coming back, you’re putting him in a position where he has to make a decision that he’s going to come back or not, and there’s really no gray areas or any gaps in the middle.

So, you are leaving an opportunity for things to go wrong. Instead, you want to create as many positive options as you can. You don’t want to push this situation so hard that your husband thinks he has to leave you or start moving away from you to escape this pressure. As hard as it can be to back off and let things unfold as they will and THEN respond instead of rushing, sometimes this is precisely what he needs to do to get the result he really wants.

This is what you often need to understand. Very soon, there may come a time when her husband has to make a decision about how to proceed. She will have to decide if she will come back or if she really wants to separate or get divorced. And, when this happens, you will want to have painted yourself in the most favorable light. At this point, you may think that your problems are too big or that your relationship is not going to change. You often have to make him change his mind about these things over time.

And one way to start doing that is to behave in ways that he doesn’t expect. He allows you to be pleasantly surprised at how in control he really is. Come from a place of love instead of a place of fear. Make it clear that your priority really is making both of you happy rather than trying to pin him down on exactly what your plans are.