It can be very painful and frustrating when your spouse constantly complains of some level of unhappiness despite the improvements you have tried to make. He may think that he has addressed his concerns, only to turn around and find that he is sullen and unhappy again. He may begin to feel that there is really nothing he can do to brighten things up. That’s when you start to wonder if it’s not you or your marriage that’s the problem, but him.

A wife might say, “It’s probably been about eighteen months since my husband has been telling me how unhappy he is all the time. complain. So, I really tried to make our home life less stressful. I tried to be cheerful and upbeat. But it doesn’t seem to matter what I do. It’s like he’s a broken record with his unhappiness. And recently, I’ve realized that it’s not just about me or our marriage, that’s all. If we go to a restaurant, he finds fault with the food. He talks behind his co-workers’ backs, which he never used to do before. He acts like his favorite sports team lost on purpose just to piss him off. It’s like he’s bitter about everything. I’m starting to think he’s a miserable person and I don’t know how to deal with him anymore.”

I understand your frustration. When my husband and I separated, he went through something similar. It was as if he found fault with every aspect of his life. We spent a short time in counseling and the counselor told him that he needed to find a source of happiness within himself rather than expecting it to come from other people, outside sources, or his marriage. She told him that a marriage cannot “make” you happy. But it can add or enhance happiness. At that time, he did not want to hear this. But now that time has passed and he has additional perspective, he can see that she was right. At the same time, I’m not sure what he could have said or done to get him out of this. It was something he had to figure out, tackle and navigate on his own. I was only able to provide support, which I tried very hard to do.

I tell you this to validate your suspicions. When someone finds fault with literally everything, then they are struggling with more than just their marriage. Sometimes, there are very valid and invalid reasons for this. For example, my mom recently went through a health crisis and her personality completely changed. She went from being patient and relatively content to someone who was constantly angry, bitter, and critical. I now realize that most of her behavior was due to the fact that she was in physical pain (from which she did not get relief). But many people can have the same reaction when they are caught up in emotional pain.

So how can you help him if he is in emotional pain? I’m not sure if I would go to therapy, but that’s usually the most effective option. If he resists, you could tell him that you’re going after your marriage, and then bring up the problem with your counselor, who will hopefully help you deal with it effectively. This could also help them get to the real source of the unhappiness. I am not a mental health professional, so all I could really offer my husband was to listen and support him. And I learned that it was no use arguing with him. It always backfired on me when I tried to point out that perceptions of him were harsh or negative. That only made things worse because he got defensive. I learned not to make judgments and to tell myself that he was just looking for someone to listen and validate him.

That said, if he really is being mean and disrespectful, then you can certainly say something about it. You don’t have to constantly be the source of their criticism. Sometimes if you try too hard to have an empathetic conversation, you’ll get more important information. You could try, “Honey, I hear you. And I’ve been hearing this for a while, so I feel like I’m not addressing the problem effectively. Can you share with me the biggest source of your unhappiness? What can I do to help?” improve things? What actions could you take specifically to increase your happiness levels? If I understand the issues better, then I can better address them.”

By asking for very specific details, you are trying to limit his ability to complain vaguely. Because that gets you nowhere and frustrates everyone. At least if you can get him to be very, very specific in his complaints and unhappiness, you can try to deal with it effectively. But at the end of the day, it is your unhappiness. And sometimes the real changes have to come from the person who is unhappy. Unfortunately, it can sometimes take a while to see this clearly. Until then, your best bet is to try to find professional or self help and be their unconditional support system. Because usually, if they become happier within themselves, they magically become happier within the marriage.