I sometimes hear from wives who are acutely aware that their husband is unsure of his feelings for them or whether or not he wants to save the marriage. Often the husband has taken the initiative to move (or at least has asked for some space).

The wife often jumps into overcompensation mode. What I mean by this is that very often, the thought of separating (even temporarily) is the wife’s worst case scenario. Therefore, she will do her best to be loving, accommodating, and open to anything that might make the husband more willing to save the marriage or reconcile.

But over time, it may soon become obvious that your attempts just aren’t working. The husband will often be very frank about the fact that he is reluctant to make commitments or promises. And because of this, the wife may eventually wonder if she is just wasting her time. She begins to wonder if her reluctance will outweigh her efforts.

Common comments are things like: “My husband is very clear about the fact that he has his doubts about our marriage and might want to get a divorce in the near future. He has been staying with his old college roommate. I have asked him to work with me to make things better but he says he doesn’t think there is anything that can help our marriage because we’ve grown apart.I think part of his unhappiness is that a lot of his friends are separated or divorced and now he sees all these guys. to be totally free and without responsibilities. So, my husband feels like he’s missing out on something. And he seems to be having the time of his life going out every night. I know deep down, he loves me. But he just doesn’t. seeing him right now. When we see each other, things feel forced between us. His phone calls have become less and less frequent. I recently got frustrated and asked him directly if there was any pos ibility for us. He told me that he was very reluctant to give me any hope. Is there a way to earn it? I’m starting to run out of hope.”

It makes me very sad when I hear people say that their hope is running out for their marriage. I think even when things seem to say, you have to make a very deliberate choice. And no one can decide if you should give up hope or not except you. It is my opinion that you can win over and eventually reconcile with a reluctant husband. It is not always an easy or even quick process. But I think it’s definitely possible. I will discuss this below.

You will often need to be very patient: I know firsthand that it’s very tempting to keep questioning or pushing your husband. Because you feel like you need answers and it’s so hard to just sit back and wait for him to make a decision when you feel so helpless just watching and waiting. But honestly, being patient is usually the best thing to do. The reluctance of her husband already indicates that he has some resistance towards you. Therefore, continuing to push him and appear impatient will likely only intensify his reluctance and make it less likely that he will want to reconcile voluntarily.

I understand it’s hard to accept that this is just going to take time. But that is often the honest reality of the situation. As difficult as it may be to wait, doing it often will give you the best chance of success.

Show him with actions everything you have told him with words: When wives are in this situation, often our first inclination is to start talking and start negotiating. We went to tell him all the things we are willing to do. We want to make you promises and offer you concessions. But what we often don’t realize is that she is taking what we say with a grain of salt. She may be listening to our words, but often she’s not fully taking in what we’re saying.

That is why it is vital that you show him with your actions what you say with your words. If you promise him that you will not pressure him and that you will give him the space that he has asked for, that is precisely what you should do. Many people will make this promise and then break it by continuing to talk or control, even when the resistance is obvious and painful. If you tell or promise your husband that you are going to do something or show him real change or improvement, then you must do just that or he will stop listening or believing you. And frankly, showing him something is much more effective than telling him something.

Accept gradual but sure progress: It is very important to understand that, especially in the beginning, you may have to accept small victories. I know you desperately want to get over your reluctance to reconcile. But often you will have to achieve this through a series of smaller steps. Perhaps you give him some space and notice that he is a little more receptive. You then build on that by improving the quality and quantity of your phone calls. Once you’ve got it running smoothly, then work on making your face-to-face meetings so enjoyable that you’ll both be left wanting more. In short, it’s best not to try to move too fast, especially if you still see some reluctance.