The appointments have changed. Whether you are a teenager just starting out, or in your 20s or 30s looking to find the love of your life, or in your 40s, 50s or 60s (or even older) and dating again, it’s a different world. High Conflict People (HCP) seem to be on the rise in our society and may be roughly one in eight people. They can be abusive and / or controlling in close relationships: verbally, physically, sexually, financially, spreading rumors, separating you from friends and family, and some even bring lawsuits against those they once loved. But a lot of this is hidden at first.

How can you identify an HCP when you are dating? The following seven tips can help:

1. Beware of excessive charm

This takes everyone by surprise. It is the opposite of what you would expect! Many PSs have a sweetened personality when they first meet people and can be some of the best at showering dates with attention, affection, gifts, lavish dinners, lovely notes, flowery comments, and text messages singing your praises. In many ways, this balances out the negativity that may be around the corner after making a deeper commitment.

This is not to say that generosity, attention, and affection are not okay and are part of all good relationships. It’s just that a typical characteristic of HCPs is extremes, including extremely charming demeanor. If he or she seems too good to be true, you may be right!

2. Pay attention to your feelings, but don’t let yourself be ruled by them

A staggering number of people who get divorced say they had a hunch that there were problems in the relationship before they got married, but they ignored those feelings and thought that whatever problems existed could be solved. Pay attention to gut feelings in relationships. Often with PS, your conscious thinking will give the person the benefit of the doubt, while your unconscious instincts will perceive that there is a problem. Listen to these feelings and consider them. Some of the more confrontational personalities are adept at saying the right things while doing everything wrong.

On the other hand, don’t automatically follow your feelings. Sometimes our feelings lead us astray and attract us to the wrong people for reasons we may never know. Pay attention to your feelings, but discuss them with someone else for a reality check before making big commitments.

Also, alcohol and other substances can cloud your dating radar, so plan some activities that avoid anything that might alter your consciousness and your feelings.

3. Don’t let sex blind you

Sex is one of the most powerful factors in falling in love. The hormones released in your brain when you have sex tell you to fall in love with your partner, especially dopamine. Activates your sense of pleasure and increases your sexual desire. It can be as powerful as heroin and other drugs, and it can make you fall in love with everything around the person you’re sleeping with – sharpen your memories of where you are, the sights, sounds and smells, and your other shared experiences with the person. (Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself, 2007)

So you have to be careful who you “hook up” with. This powerful drug in your own brain can blind you to all the warning signs you may discover when it wears off several months later (and you may have already made a deeper commitment).

4. Take your time

There is no reason you have to quickly commit to a new relationship. Healthcare professionals are often aggressive and in a hurry. They often pressure new partners to move quickly in relationship development and even marriage. However, it can take up to a year before someone’s high-conflict personality fully manifests itself, and their dopamine blinders are gone.

For example, domestic violence, rumor spreading, and other abusive behaviors may not begin until about six months after a relationship, when the HCP partner feels threatened and safe enough to risk pushing, shoving, hitting, and even hurting you. . You’re too deep in at this point to quit quickly. It is much easier to blame yourself and think that you are an exception and that it will not happen again. Also, this often takes reasonable people by surprise, so that they blame themselves. But such behavior is unacceptable in any relationship and will repeat itself and repeat itself if the person has a highly conflictual personality. It is part of who they are. You can often tell if it is part of who they are, if they justify abusive behavior and ignore it as normal; or if they say it will never happen again, and then it happens.

Other abusive behaviors can also take time to appear, such as financial problems that include extravagant spending with your money, old debts that you did not know existed, hiding money, giving away property, paying the expenses of your friends and family. , And so on.

One of the clearest signs of an HCP is the threat of quitting if you don’t accept a quick commitment. By taking the time to commit to any new partner, you have a chance to see if those hidden behaviors are going to come to light. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense to avoid quick commitments to move in together, get married, or even share money. It’s easier to slow down to build a good relationship than to get out of a high-conflict relationship.

5. Beware of all or nothing thinking

This may be the easiest factor to notice. High conflict people tend to see things as good or bad. They often see people this way. After a disagreement with someone, do you totally blame the other person and avoid any responsibility for solving the problem? Even if he or she was not the cause of the problem, most people ponder what they could do differently to avoid or solve similar problems in the future. “I should have been more cautious with him.” “I should never have trusted her.” “Next time I’ll get another opinion first.” HCPs often pressure you to agree that others are bad or to involve you in their battles with other people. They are generally seen as victims and can often describe other people as taking advantage of them or trying to catch them.

6. Are you self-absorbed?

Does he ever ask for you? “How was your day?” “What do you think about that topic?” “What do you want to do today?” Many HCPs are so self-absorbed that they forget you are there unless they want something from you. Don’t be fooled by how smart, creative, and fascinating they are if they don’t value you in the relationship. Many SPs are very high-functioning people who can draw people to them, but they don’t energize others and they don’t nurture their relationships once they are in. See how they treat other people. Are people of higher status treated with great respect and those of lower status (waitresses, manual workers, ex-spouses, etc.) with great disrespect or contempt? Are they surprisingly insensitive at times with friends and family? Are you always trying to show how superior you are? Do they seem to lack empathy? See how they respond to your interests. Do they change the subject before you finish talking about what’s important to you? See how they respond to your comments about your behavior. Are they interested in self-improvement or is there an intensely negative response? Also, see how you respond to their comments about their behavior. Are you feeling warm and confident, or suddenly defensive? Test the full range of your interests and the full range of your concerns about the other person, to see how they handle the “problems” that arise in all relationships. If you are not comfortable or excited about talking to your partner about almost anything for the first six to twelve months, it is unlikely that you ever will. Don’t count on changing partners. It rarely happens in real life.

7. Be on the lookout for highly conflicting personality patterns

Our personalities are the way we constantly think, feel, and act in the world around us throughout our lives. Personalities are mainly formed in childhood, so they don’t change much once we are adults, unless we make sincere efforts to change and then practice those changes over and over and over again. Healthcare professionals generally have no interest in changing themselves and become defensive if you request a new behavior or behavior change. Healthcare professionals do not reflect much on themselves and often blame others when things go wrong, including problems they caused themselves.

There are at least five high conflict personality patterns that are surprisingly predictable once you know the warning signs: the “I love you, I hate you” personality pattern, the “I am far superior” pattern, “Scammer”, “Always dramatic. “,” and “You’re out of me” patterns. Each has specific extreme ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. You can learn more about them in our articles and books on the High Conflict Institute website, or meet with a mental health professional in your community who can describe these patterns and how you can recognize and avoid them.

conclusion

In today’s world, we have more freedom than ever to select our friends and romantic partners. That means we have to be more informed so as not to make serious mistakes. The close relationship behavior of people with high conflict is often hidden at first and then becomes confusing, dividing family and friends, and escalating to higher levels of conflict, rather than diminishing over time. Beneath the surface, they can become abusive, especially when the relationship becomes really close or when a major stressor or conflict arises.

This can even happen when you have friends or office workers who have known the person for several years. The problem is that they have never met this person in a really close relationship or under a really significant personal stressor or conflict. These are the conditions that really show the conflictive personality of the person. Generally, when the going gets tough in all areas of their lives, they focus on blaming others, and their goals are usually the closest to them in intimate relationships: romantic relationships or really close friendships.

Don’t be surprised. Start developing your dating radar before committing in the future. Remember, there are still about seven out of eight people who are not healthcare professionals! There may be one waiting for you!