Empaths are more than empaths. Much like a HSP (very sensitive person), they are highly attuned to other people’s stimuli and emotions and energy, usually to a degree considered transpersonal or paranormal. They can be codependent and end up in abusive relationships. Let us first consider some definitions. An HSP has a rich inner life and a deep central nervous system sensitivity to physical, emotional, or social stimuli. So an HSP can also be an empath, but encompasses more attributes. A codependent is someone whose feelings, thoughts, and actions revolve around another person.

Empaths and Codependency

A codependent doesn’t need to be an empath and an empath doesn’t need to be codependent. Some people justify or glorify their codependency by the fact that they are empaths; however, codependency is a very specific thing. Your focus may revolve around another person, without really empathizing with what that person is experiencing. Codependents might do this to find out the other person’s mood and then gauge how to react and like them. They may not know their own feelings or what the other person feels or cares about very much; especially if your behavior is causing them pain; for example, due to addiction, abuse, or if the person is emotionally unavailable.

Conversely, an empath can tune in to another person’s feelings, but also be very aware of their own and not change their behavior to manipulate the situation. They can express affection or offer help, but they also have firm limits to protect themselves and not overdo it. They may also realize that the other person is not ready to receive or want help. If they feel unsafe or abused, they may leave the person to protect themselves. In other words, an empath can have healthy boundaries and not necessarily put the other person’s well-being above their own.

Many times empaths become healers and have to learn to protect their energy field so as not to absorb negative energy from people in their personal and professional relationships. He was an empath and HSP growing up, but he didn’t know it. From a very young age I was very interested in the psyche and dreams and later had psychic experiences. Looking back, the signs were there of being sensitive to loud noises, pungent odors, nylon stockings and rough fabric, and other people’s energy and feelings. Although I wasn’t shy, I now understand why I preferred nature to cities and disliked malls and crowds, preferring small shops, intimate gatherings, and sitting at the front of the class and across the aisle at movie theaters.

I was also codependent. Having had a controlling and narcissistic mother, my voice and real, authentic self were crushed. I learned to ignore my feelings and needs and accommodate those of other people in close relationships. Naturally, I was considered “too” sensitive.

abusive relationships

Codependent empaths have the dual problem of weak boundaries and disconnection from themselves, while being highly sensitive to other people. They are vulnerable to abuse for several reasons:

They seek love and intimacy, but shame makes it difficult for them to receive

They feel the abuser’s suffering and may mistake it for love.

They are very understanding, which fuels their denial of the abuse.

They are very forgiving so please excuse the abuse.

They are harder on themselves, so they blame themselves for other people’s feelings and actions.

Your denial fuels your inclination to endlessly give and wait for someone to change.

They minimize their own needs and feelings.

They are introspective, find fault and try to improve,

They are sponges for negative energy and may not realize it is coming from the other person.

Due to the weak limits, they do not protect themselves.

They absorb shame and criticism from abusers, due to their poor boundaries.

Naturally, they want to help and heal people who are suffering, especially people with problems.

They focus on the needs of other people and give abusers and narcissists the attention they love.

Addicts in need and people with personality disorders, such as narcissists, are drawn to empaths looking for love, understanding, and attention to help them with their suffering.

Empaths can be sucked into sympathizing with addicts and people with borderline personality disorders who play the victim with stories of grief. They then feel responsible and cannot leave because their sick companions behave in such a needy and dependent manner, sometimes threatening suicide or self-destructive behavior, while affirming how important empathy is to them.

Empaths and recovery from codependency

Codependency recovery work has allowed me to empathize with myself and with others without giving up my needs and desires. By regaining the lost connection to myself, I no longer tolerate drama, get along well, and feel comfortable setting boundaries with other people.

recovery stepsinclude:

Reconnect with yourself.

Identify your feelings and needs.

honor them.

Learn to express them and know them.

Learn to set limits.

Develop self-love, self-esteem and self-care skills.

Do the exercises to overcome shame, Self Love Meditation and learn to be assertive and defend yourself.

© 2021 Darlene Lancer