For most of us, love kicks in to the beat of high society. A whirlwind tour of some remote exotic island. Full of red hot intensity, with wild bouts of passionate sex. The chilling feeling of discovering someone new is amazing. I would like to refer to it as the preliminary stage or the euphoric stage, where each one of you thinks that he or she is the last man/woman on earth. Every word, every touch, every look seems like magic.

The mere presence of this person creates a tornado and you are in the vortex. However, over time, the intensity softens. They get to know each other, warts and all. You see sides of the person you thought never existed. Where is the epitome of perfection? It is exactly at this stage that most of us go wrong. Because we are looking for not just the right person, but the PERFECT person, a near impossibility. Just look at yourself first. You are perfect? there is no one on this earth. The sooner we realize this, the sooner we will stop chasing a mirage, a chimera.

Consider this scenario. You have met the person who completely fits your choice. Not only do you find this person physically attractive and sure of arousal, but also intellectually this person provides you with meaningful companionship. Therefore, to use this cliché, you have fallen head over heels for “love.” One fine day, the “almost perfect” person sent by God begins to annoy you. You learn to your utter dismay that this person has no sense of personal hygiene.

His erratic ways, something you found extremely “cute” is actually extremely dirty. Her underwear, I hope you’ve never seen it. Her dresser makes you wear a mask because of the bad smell, you turn around, every time she opens her shoes, because the sole now has a couple of holes. And worst of all, it leaves the toilet running without flushing!

Enough is enough. Gradually, other flaws are magnified. What about his behavior in the presence of other attractive people? Was there some serious flirting that you noticed? What do you do in these circumstances? What action does it require? Dump and run for life? Well, to make a personal opinion, I don’t think you should do that. Yet.

Although these may seem like extreme examples that I saw but trust me these can be true too. When we begin to notice flaws, shortcomings, or the unexpected becomes expected, we cringe. Many relationships end here and don’t progress beyond this point. A much haunted dream is shattered. The romance crumbles like a house of cards.

But if you accept that no one is really perfect, and that you too can have certain shortcomings that are also abhorrent, then don’t give up. You graduate to the next level of the relationship, with new challenges as new horizons open up. A new level of intimacy, which is more mature, can be triggered after this first suppression of illusions. Many of us simply shut up at this stage, or resort to anger and irritation. Some of us just disappear and flee into oblivion. If you decide to take these steps (you can often be cowardly), I’m sorry, you’re missing out on a golden opportunity to move up to the next degree in the relationship.

Euphoria in any relationship cannot be a permanent fact. Or it wouldn’t be called euphoria in the first place. When the euphoric love ends, another phase begins: the phase of seeking permanence in the relationship. Suddenly you ask questions like, can I live my whole life with this person?

Will it continue to be exactly as it is now? Do I want children from her? How will she be as a mother, and more such. These are very important steps in life for anyone. Along with the questions, therefore, fear and insecurity also creep in. Something very natural to happen again. But all this thought process often baffles us, since we weren’t prepared to face so many questions before.

Many of us read too much about this fear and assume that it is a sign of our lack of preparation or an indication not to move on. This is because the moment we start thinking about a person who will be prominent in our lives, we become overly cautious and more critical in our views.

As we think and rethink, let’s not ignore the good side of the person, who got us to this stage in the first place!

Learn to enjoy this phase of the relationship, which is full of possibilities and opportunities. Last but not least, remember that this word “Love” signifies a lifetime commitment, a difficult proposition for many. It is a process by which we learn to love ourselves, the person with whom we share our lives, and those around us.

In case you both decide to continue the relationship to walk towards permanence and commitment, remember, this is the most critical moment. Love cannot survive without the proper nutrients. It’s like that little sapling, which can only grow with the help of food and water.

As Erich Fromm wrote in The Art of Loving, published in 1956, “The art of loving is like any trade. It requires patience, confidence, discipline, concentration, faith, and daily practice.” The only thing in life that is constant is “change”. Relationships are no exception to this rule. As it changes, it grows, matures, and becomes more stable, hardened, and strong.

Maturity in any love does not happen at the push of a button. It takes years, goes through many ups and downs, crosses many rivers and oceans before a person can have a “mature” love for another person. Your priorities, in order of preference, should be to love yourself, then your partner, and then your family.