Introduction

Let’s face it: life can get pretty hectic at times! Juggling all those commitments and trying to balance roles and responsibilities can be quite challenging, and the area of ​​your life that can receive the most impact is your relationship. It can be very easy to take your partner for granted as you try to address all those work demands, return your friends’ phone calls, and fulfill those family obligations. If you allow it, your relationship may begin to lose its sense of priority, especially if you and your partner have become comfortable in the way you relate and function as a couple. The obvious consequence of this is a weakening of connection, a possible decrease in intimacy, emotional distance, and resentment of unmet needs.

All relationships, no matter how good, require constant nourishment. You need to constantly care for them, tend to them, and make sure they stay healthy and strong. This is especially so because relationships, and the people who understood them, are always changing over time. Failure to grow with changes can result in collapse with inevitable conflict and sometimes demise.

I am a strong advocate of doing regular “check-ins” with your partner to make sure the relationship is progressing in a mutually satisfying direction. Gay men (actually men in general!) Typically tend to favor problem solving and action over communication. Therefore, this creates the possibility of major ruptures in their relationships due to a lack of dialogue to ensure that they and their partners are on “the same page” with the things that matter most. This article will outline a strategy that can help you and your partner focus on your relationship; This technique can help you avoid being distracted by other forces in your life and remind you to communicate and address the needs of your relationship to continue to fuel your successful growth.

The Pow-Wow relationship

Pow-wow is a Native American term that means an important gathering or gathering. If you and your partner don’t discuss the business and emotional aspects of your relationship regularly, or if you find that your “couple time” competes with all other life tasks and roles that need to be fulfilled, then your relationship is likely. is in danger without intervention. These things cannot be overlooked! The Pow-Wow relationship It could be just what the doctor ordered to get you back on track!

This technique is comparable to that offered by therapists to families who need a more structured format to spend more quality time together, communicate about needs and feelings, and participate in collaborative decision-making. That is exactly what you will do with your partner; It will only be one by one!

It is actually a very simple concept. Basically, the two of you will find a mutually agreeable time to get together and discuss how things are going in your relationship. This will become a regular and predictable part of your relationship and is meant to be a safe place for the two of you to air your thoughts, feelings, and work out differences. The duration and frequency of the meetings is individualized by couple; If your relationship seems to be going well, maybe once a month is enough. If you and your partner are going through some transitions, adjustments, or crises, you may want to increase the frequency to weekly or every few days. You will adapt your Pow-pow to the unique needs of your relationship.

Meeting guidelines

* Meet in the same place and at the same time. This will help develop a ritual for your relationship in which you will lessen the chances that you will forget about it. If necessary, write it down in your programming book. Minimize distractions and really use this time to honor each other and to honor what you have built together.

* Both you and your partner will have the same “floor time” to speak your mind. Each of you will be the “listener” and the “speaker”, making sure not to interrupt until the speaker has finished. Respect the opinions and beliefs expressed by others and establish a rule not to use vulgarity or belittle each other. Don’t complain! Express your needs and feelings directly and assertively and ask for what you want.

* If your meeting climate becomes tense or has an unproductive taste, call in a “Time Out” to defuse any potential for misdirected anger. The Pow-Wow won’t work if it becomes a battlefield. Be sure to schedule another time to complete the meeting if you need to postpone it to allow some time to regain your composure.

* The meeting will require you to use good communication, conflict negotiation, and problem solving skills. If you are not well versed in these, study active listening, “me” messages, brainstorming, or enlist the services of a couples coach or counselor to help you hone these critical skills.

* Keep a notebook handy at your meeting and a journal or keep a record of what was discussed. You can always refer to this at the beginning of each meeting to keep track of your progress on set goals and it also helps with accountability and remembering what was discussed.

* Strive to find win-win solutions. While two men socialized for competitiveness in the same relationship, keep wrestling matches away! Remember that you are on the same team, you do not always have to agree on everything and negotiate for the benefit of the relationship itself, not a particular individual.

Running a Pow-Wow

Step 1: A member will start the meeting by sharing their perception of how the week was in regards to the partnership. What went well in the relationship? What didn’t go so well? What needs were met and not met?

Step 2: The other partner will repeat what he heard his partner say, empathizing and validating the message. Then you will share your insights and the other partner will reflect.

Step 3: Together, celebrate any victories that have occurred and then transition to defining any issues that exist, brainstorming possible solutions for your consideration.

Step 4: Develop an action plan for the specified goal. Describe specifically what each partner will do to solve the target problem. Be sure to assess the movement toward the goal at the beginning of the next Pow-wow.

Step 5: Share your appreciations for each other before adjourning, and then do something fun that will further strengthen your bond as a couple.

No agenda?

So what if you don’t have anything to talk about at your meeting? While that is very rare, follow the steps above. It is okay to have a short session and hope that all meetings are not the same length. Also, not all meetings will require problem solving or action planning. Here are some additional creative ideas to make the most of your time together when you don’t have any “hot topics” to discuss:

· Discuss your visions for your future as a couple and as individuals.

· Plan the fun. Talk about vacations or recreational outings that you would like to take in the near or long-term future.

Each of you takes a deck of index cards and writes some sentence completion stems on them. Read them aloud to each other and answer them. For instance, “One thing I really appreciate about you is _____”; “Something I need you to understand about me is _____”; “If there was one thing I would like to see different in our relationship, it would be _____.” Get creative and have fun!

Go to your local gift or game store and buy one of those board games geared toward couples, intimacy, and relationships. Play together!

conclusion

No matter how busy or chaotic your life becomes, never lose sight of how important your relationship is to you. The Pow-Wow relationship It can be a way to stay focused and focused on keeping your relationship prepared and keeping the channels of communication open. Remember that meetings should also highlight the positives you share and also make sure they don’t replace or substitute for other quality time that the two of you could be sharing. Have a regular “date night” as part of your routine to keep the spark alive. And most importantly, keep communication between sessions as well. Be flexible with your meetings as things will happen and always keep in mind that your relationship is the number one priority, no matter how crazy life gets. They are there for each other!

© 2007 Brian L. Rzepczynski