How can I stop hating my spouse after he cheated on me and had an affair?
I sometimes hear of wives who feel a lot of anger and hatred towards their husband after they discover him cheating on him or having an affair. Sometimes the intensity of these feelings takes these wives by surprise. They are stunned. Most will tell you that you are not the type to feel negative emotions like hatred. Most can look the other way when someone angers them. And most will tell you that they never would have believed that they could hate the man they loved more than anyone else. Yet that is what they feel now: a burning hatred that takes over everything else.
Many are frightened by these feelings. Some have children and they know that feeling this way about the father of their children will do no one any good. Many wish they could stop feelings in their tracks, but find that they can’t just turn them off and on. They might say: “If you had told me five years ago that one day I would feel this kind of hatred towards my husband, I would have called you a liar. I adore my husband. He cheated on me. Now I feel so angry and betrayed that I literally think I hate him. And that’s very difficult for me because last week, I thought about how lucky I was and how much I loved him. But I can’t get over what he’s done to me and what he risked and I may just throw it away. kids and a business with him so I know I can’t spend the rest of my life hating him. I need to finally let go of these feelings, but I can’t even imagine how it would be possible because I feel this suffocating anger every waking hour. I look at him and it boils me blood. How come women not only absolutely hate their husbands after infidelity? “
I cannot speak for anyone else, but I am willing to share some of my feelings with you in the hope that it will help you. Not make mistakes. I was absolutely furious at my husband for cheating on me and at times I thought of hurting him (although I know I never would have gone through this. However, I destroyed many household items and souvenirs). angry he was. And I stayed that way for quite some time. Right now, you can’t see past the anger, which is understandable. It may take a while to put that aside and think rationally. Don’t be so hard on yourself for that. It is normal.
In my own case, I learned that while I couldn’t turn off my feelings, I could redirect them. Like you, I didn’t want my kids to be exposed to any aspect of the affair, so if I was really angry when we were all together, I’d be busy or apologize. If I was so angry that I could say or do something that I would regret, I would try to avoid or escape from the situation. I would wait to interact until another time. Or I would just tell my husband that I needed a break for a while and he would give it to me.
I must admit that one thing that probably contributed to the fact that I no longer harbor any hatred is that my husband did the right thing quite quickly. He was sorry, ended the adventure and agreed to do whatever I wanted or needed. If I had dragged my feet with this, the result might have been different. He pretty much did what I asked, although we both had resentments and hurt feelings along the way.
At the end of the day, I didn’t carry that hatred with me because I decided to hate the action and the behavior rather than the person. I hated the decision. I didn’t hate it. I can’t deny that good people sometimes do bad things and make mistakes. I had to look at the entirety of our marriage and decide for myself if the good that my husband had done outweighed the bad. The truth is, it wasn’t even close. My husband has been a rock to my entire family for years and years. He has taken care of me and my children with little thought of himself. Did he do that when he cheated? Absolutely not. But he couldn’t deny years of good behavior with days of bad behavior. A very close relative of mine (who has now passed away) was an alcoholic. For this reason, part of my childhood was very painful and, at times, I have felt resentment and anger. But now that the family member is gone, I realize that I can hate the disease and still love the person. Otherwise, this family member was loving and kind. You cannot erase those qualities for a negative thing.