When you hire a business coach and develop a program or product, the first marketing instructions you receive will probably go something like this: “Reach out to your friends, send them a warm letter, offer them your services or products, and ask them if they know of people who would be interested.” interested”. Bingo! You’re on your way with a marketing list, sure to grow as your friends enthusiastically spread the word.

Oh.

A typical introvert, I have spent my life making some very deep friendships. Not for me inclusion in the circle of giggling young women who drank coffee and lunch together every day, celebrating life events. When they were talking about a shower for one of their members, I was drinking coffee and reading a book. His lunchtime group shopping tours were a far cry from my exploratory (and solitary) lunchtime walks.

I have had four deep friendships in my life. See, there was Polly, who I knew in first grade. Like two little girls with brown hair and ponytails in a sea of ​​Scandinavian blondes, we instantly bonded. We’re still friends, decades later, despite a 40-year hiatus when we parted ways, a gap that instantly closed when we met again.

Then there was an adventurous, bright but troubled girl in high school who I had to let go of my life because I felt her habit of living on the edge would lead me into trouble and off my path. And finally, the vibrant and charismatic friend of my middle age who sustained a head and brain injury and died this year, after years of suffering, leaving me heartbroken.

And of course, a multitude of acquaintances and colleagues, with whom I have exchanged brief but pleasant conversations over the years.

Uh oh. Not an auspicious start to my marketing list.

Fortunately, there was the fourth: a calm and savvy introvert who had mastered early on the art of connecting with a wide variety of supportive people while maintaining her privacy and serenity.

Studying and listening to it produced profound changes in my life and techniques that I now share with others.

Here is some of the wisdom I have gathered:

Be a Person of Interest, not a Person of Mystery

People are curious; they want to know something about the people around them in order to feel safe, to know how to respond and what to say and do, or not to say or do. In short, they need to know, like and trust you (essential for business), but to do that they need to develop that vague profile of you that you can present to them. If they have no idea who you are, what you stand for, and what does and does not delight you, they will make something up. In fact, they will write a whole life story for you that would amaze you if you knew. And you probably won’t like it.

I listen to the introverts, I know the complaints: “Why do you want to know what I did over the weekend? It’s nobody’s business but me.” And I understand it; I’ve spent many a weekend alone, happily listening to music, reading, gardening, reluctant to reveal that to anyone in a world that considers solitary behavior peculiar.

But I also know that you risk being seen as “standoffish,” “snobbish,” or even “arrogant.”

So take a deep breath and learn to say something like, “I had a great time relaxing, catching up, and even finding time to read. What about you?” Moving on to the other person, who probably really wanted to talk about what she did, anyway. Use your excellent listening skills to convince people that you are a great conversationalist.

Find something to potentially connect with in everyone you meet

While I (and many introverts, which I gather from reading Internet forums) looked to other people to see what wouldn’t work here and what I could do to protect myself, my friend is always looking for something she can do. she relates. She’s not always there and has been known to discreetly but diplomatically dismiss people in her life, but she often finds him. His reward from her? A large group of very different people who complement different aspects of her personality and love her to pieces because she has recognized in them some unique essence.

Learn to set limits

Avoiding other people completely sets a lot of boundaries around you, but it doesn’t help you navigate the complexities of actually being in a relationship with someone without getting sucked in or drawn into activities you don’t enjoy. We use avoidance to protect ourselves from the danger of… what? Participate in an activity that you find unpleasant? Bored to death?

Asking for what you want and diplomatically refusing what you don’t want are communication tools that everyone needs to like, trust, and feel safe.

These are just some of the simple changes introverts can make to increase their personal support group without turning into someone they imagine they wouldn’t like.

In the words of an incredibly successful salesperson I met a few years ago, Never try to make a sale. Just try to make a friend.

And you? Do you have a group of people who are your cheerleaders? Or do you just have a large group of casual acquaintances who barely think of you when you’re not around?

It’s never too late to start expanding your support group and reaping the personal and professional rewards. Tell me about some of the skills you, as an introvert, have learned to develop a strong support network.