In many states, all a husband or wife needs to get divorced is a statement that they have “irreconcilable differences” and that the court grants the divorce no questions asked. successful marriages embrace relationship conflict and understand its nature. The fact is that any marriage will have irreconcilable differences. Simply put, there are no two people who do not differ on many issues and should not expect the other to conform to their ways. Differences are the reasons why we are first attracted to each other and must embrace each other in order to enjoy a happy marriage.

When we think of couples facing divorce, we assume they are yelling and calling each other names. We imagine these couples as people filled with hate, rage, and serious problems. But it may be that couples who can communicate their needs by speaking up are actually doing better than those who avoid conflict at all costs. Avoiding conflict impedes problem solving in any relationship. In fact, it creates a situation where more problems develop and further jeopardizes the relationship. Couples who never learn to express their feelings, concerns, and beliefs have a much lower rate of recovery once they are faced with divorce. In fact, it is these quiet and reserved couples who need to accept the conflict in order to avoid divorce.

In no way should emotional and verbal abuse be a tool in any relationship. It’s just that couples who don’t acknowledge problems and differences are more likely to break up forever, according to Dr. John Gottman, researcher/operator at the Love Lab.

A critical step in saving a marriage is the ability to share your feelings and express your differences. Learning how to do it and making a practice of doing it in the early stages actually brings couples closer together and eliminates the risk of arguments and conflicts down the line.

Communication tips for success:

• Spend enough time together to air your differences, sharing your thoughts and talking.

• Strive to schedule couple time just between the two of you.

• For example, have dinner, lunch, or coffee together several times a week.

• Go on a date every week, have a date night, and teach your kids good relationship skills by example.

• Really listen when your partner talks.

• We become disconnected from our partners over time, and yet he or she may be giving you the answers you’re looking for.

• Learn why your spouse is upset. Anytime he’s noticeably cranky, find out what’s bothering him.

• He may find out about little things you do that really annoy them, possibly things he could easily eliminate.

• It may be something that has nothing to do with you, your willingness to let them vent is priceless.

• Over time, couples drift apart, their worlds take different directions, they become part of their world again.

• Stop correcting, judging and acting like your parent, your spouse is an adult; we often treat them like children who feel very bad.

• Share your needs and learn what your spouse needs, again, don’t judge or criticize.

• Be truthful and respectfully honest.

One of the biggest problems for people who struggle with conflict and strive to avoid it is honesty. They can’t be honest about what they want and need for fear of creating conflict, which in turn makes it worse. In truth, the relationship is based on a lie. When you freely express honest thoughts and opinions, you will be heading in the right direction and start saving your marriage.

It is often said that marriage is hard work. The truth is that we often make it much more difficult than it should be. If we can practice being honest and expressing ourselves early on, the work is greatly reduced. All the efforts that so many people go to in the hope of avoiding conflict only creates a much greater buildup of tension, mistrust and conflict in the future. Save your marriage and learn to discuss what is important to you and find balance.