Hey, Restaurant Guy, we’re your customers. That’s right, we pay your bills, so pay attention. Why are your bar stools so uncomfortable? Do you really want us to jump ship and move to another bar where we can comfortably adjust our attitude? Before defending your bar stools, sit on one for thirty minutes without getting up. Are you relieved to get up or do you want to order another punch and relax?

There are thousands of attempts at bar stool design, which means no bar stool designer has ever gotten it right. The bar stool design is a classic case of function being forgotten by form. It’s obvious to us, just by inspection (even more so by endangering our butts), that bar stools are designed and selected for their looks, not our comfort. Somewhere there has to be an annual international competition for “World’s Most Uncomfortable Bar Stool.” The judges would seat the designers on their own creations and observe their expressions of pain to establish each stool’s discomfort rating. A perennial winner must be the Grape Design Cast Iron Bar Stool: cast iron legs, cast iron seat, cast iron arms, and cast iron back. It takes two people to move one of these horrors, and the discomfort rating is just below “The Iron Maiden” used in the Spanish Inquisition.

Some importance should be given to the type of bar you trade. All bars can be grouped into three categories: 1) drinking bars, including those that serve some food; 2) holding tanks for restaurant diners waiting to be seated; 3) body shops whose inhabitants hang around looking for company.

Body shop bar stools require the least amount of comfort. Sitting too long in a body shop can be interpreted negatively and backfire on our search for Mr. or Mrs. Goodbar. Therefore, we must mingle, not bet a bar right. An uncomfortable bar stool is a reminder to come out into the tumult.

Comfortable bar stools offer a business opportunity for restaurant holding tank counters. Given a comfortable place to settle in your bar, some of us might migrate and nest in your operation during happy hour and when there’s no wait at the restaurant. This additional income could pay for comfortable bar stools.

We insist on comfortable bar stools in bars for drinking. Without delving into the psychological manifestations, your drink bar exists so that we can escape from whatever is bothering us. We come to you for relief. Whether relief comes from a bottle, company, or loneliness, escaping reality is impossible when the bar stool keeps hounding our heinies in real time.

Since designers have yet to produce the perfect bar stool, we’ll give you a shopping list of features for you, as a bar operator, to look for when replacing your bar stools.

1) Large, soft padded seat: essential! A real positive for the bountiful butt.

2) Soft padded back: prevent back pain. Don’t bother with the back of a bar stool unless it’s comfortable.

3) Swivel seat: avoid neck pain when talking or looking with your eyes at the person next to you.

4) Arms: nice, but optional. They take up space and could weaken another bar patron if we suddenly turn around.

5) Adjustable footrest: prevents leg cramps while hanging in the air.

6) Swivel wheels: they make it easier to get on the bar. It’s also useful for bringing overly relaxed patrons into a booth.

Then, of course, there’s the bar stool of a style yet to be tried: the recliner! The first bar with reclining stools will become a tourist attraction.

copyright 2006 Bill Stephens